Its the last night of my last Winter Break. It feels like a really big deal to me. If things go right, then aside from two small breaks in the spring, this trip to Maryland may be for good. It will be a long time coming before I have anything else that I could consider a vacation. Just a few months separate me from cold, harsh reality.
It scares the shit out of me. The pessimist inside me says that this whole college thing, all that work is going to to go shit. Everyone else you know in your field has had better grades, more recognitions, "know" more people, and have sucked up a hell of a lot more than I ever have. It tells me I'm going to get lazy, screw up, and find myself in a place I don't want to be.
But I'm an optimist at heart. And that side says that anything is possible. People with worse credentials have done just fine, and there is still time. I've found my real friends, and they're going to help along the way. It will all work out if you make it so.
I think it will turn out all right in the end. Still, it won't be easy. I can't stay at home while looking for work. Its too far away, and there is absolutely nothing for me there in the meantime. If things go wrong, there's only so much my family can do financially.
I haven't become buddy buddy with that many professors, so there's no one out there that can ensure I'll be "taken care of" out of school. In short, there's really only one option for me - graduate, find a job and move. I really do need to get on my own two feet as quickly as possible without falter. Its not that this angers me; I'm not the only one in the world with that story. It just means its imperative to succeed.
It gets worse. I'm a horrible interviewer, and I seriously fear of my chances. Seeing the comments here makes me feel a little better, but also worse, because it shows that not everyone out there gives a shit about your success. I think the biggest problem I have with interviews is that I only know a few things I can improve. Posture, gestures, etc. are things I can work on. But a lot of my problems stem from a genuine inability to lie and bullshit. I can't do smalltalk, and I can't pad my resume or build it up as something it isn't. Its just not in my nature, and no amount of "just do it" is going to change that. I'll be trying to get some help on this from the career center, but I'm afraid they're going to tell me if I can't BS, I'm screwed. Thanks, but I already know that.
I'm also worried that sometimes, its not me. Take my interview with Altec Lansing for an internship. The job would entail nothing more than moving user profiles around in Windows. Things went well, they saw I was more than competent, then they saw on my resume that I also knew Linux. It was downhill from there, since they seemed to believe I knew nothing else. When they asked me what versions of Windows I've used, I replied "everything from 3.1 to XP", and they still seemed skeptical, no matter how much I clarified things. When people get the wrong impression like that, and it sticks, there's not much you can do. Let's just say I was pretty devastated by that one.
I also hope that future interviewers cut out the bullshit. I've too many interviews where I heard that I'm more than qualified, just like every other candidate, and then all of a sudden I'm not the winner, and I have absolutely no clue as to why. I know they won't all tell you why you failed but please, spare me the bullshit and the fluff. It especially worries me after hearing stories of employers turning down and applicant simply because of what food they ordered or because they were too "squirrely". Its great to know we educate ourselves so much, and it can all boil down to something as small as what drink you order or how nicely you can fake a smile.
I've got a lot of friends that are ready and willing to help me. I have to stop tying to do everything my way and maybe listen to them for a goddamn change. I've already begun that; I've got myself a nice little planner and a will to use it. Maybe I can change after all. I know that if things go well, it will be because of my friends far more than because of anything I did. I can only hope I'd be able to repay them in the future.
Has this post actually gone anywhere? Maybe. Can't really tell when you're traveling the long and windy road. I better go find myself a good map :)
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